incomparable: dating as an asian fem in nyc

once again, i'm writing about dating in nyc but this time: asian edition. this one's for my asian girls

i find myself constantly on the apps, even after i swore off dating. i will say, to give myself some credit, that i was at least one month clean, until i gave in and started back up. hey, can’t help it. it gets lonely around here! 

i matched with a guy that i was talking to, and i was eager to show off to my friends that something - for once - was going well. but in all honesty, they all start off that way; the good, the bad, the ugly. but that’s besides the point. i showed my friend, as she asked for a picture of the guy, and she started laughing. and i immediately knew what to expect: she had talked to him because of a dating app.

and i don’t mean this in a derogatory, or negative way, as if i am bashing my dear friend. i love her to pieces, and i hope she understands that i have no ill will or jealousy towards her. i mean hell, the way we met was through a guy we had been seeing at the same time. it’s just that i’ve found a common pattern: we’re both asian girls that could be described as “alt” or “artsy”. and with this, we attract the same guys. and we’re attracted to the same guys. i just can’t help but wonder if there’s something causing this. and even worse, if this phenomenon will ever end. 

this doesn’t just stop at my friend and i. it’s happened to virtually every other asian girl i’ve matched with. i’ll go to follow a cute guy i matched with, and another asian girl i’ve met through a dating app is already following him. no, scratch that, several asian girls i’ve matched with have already begun following this guy. 

funny story, a guy i was dating for a few months broke up with me because he was seeing a girl (this is all speculation, but it’s the only explanation i can think of. sorry to him.). and get this: i knew this girl because we had matched together on bumble. she resembled me, we both had colored hair, tattoos, a nose piercing, and a great sense of style. don’t get me wrong, she was very attractive. i just couldn’t help but notice that we were incredibly similar.  

in the end of it all, the question that inevitably seeps through the folds of my wrinkled little brain is: what am i doing wrong? 

what am i doing, or how am i different in a way that lets my friends and other asian girls i know get boyfriends, girlfriends, and partners, but i simply can’t? 

a secondary question is: is it my fault to any extent or does the blame fall in the hands of the men? is the city just small, or are all the men in this city plagued with asian fetishes? or is this merely to blame on dating apps themselves? or this city? 

i have an entire stack of index cards worth of questions about this, but i cannot seem to answer any of them, as i lay down in my bed crying over how i feel undesirable and useless i am. and it’s not even a question of if i base my self worth and value based on how potential romantic partners perceive or value me. because i know that i’m beautiful, courageous, smart, and funny; i’ve recently come to this conclusion. but i can’t help but let it get to me at times, especially when i pale in comparison to my peers. it’s like an unspoken assessment. because yes, i may be getting a high score (if we’re talking about body count) and excelling, but i can’t help but feel like i’m underperforming in comparison to everyone else. i’m not pretty enough, my tits or ass aren’t proportional enough to my body, i’m not funny enough, not smart enough, my style isn’t good enough. i wish i could drain these thoughts from my brain, but the stopper is stuck and i just let my thoughts swish around in my head every day. every night. every waking moment of my fucking life. 

being an asian fem in new york city is so rough, and it makes it incredibly difficult to gain self confidence, especially if you grew up like me, as a nerdy awkward socially inept kid with no sense of style. maybe i’m just insecure, but it’s tough constantly mentally comparing yourself to every single hot girl who also has dyed hair, piercings, and tattoos and wears vintage rick owens and listens to bladee or phoebe bridgers or whatever artist that fits their niche. you start feeling like you’re blending in (and no this is not an ‘all asians look the same’ joke). but there always seems to be a market for your specific type of person. individuality is hard to find in new york city, but every other white boy with an asian fetish seems to think otherwise. “you’re so artsy”, he croons, as if he hasn’t said that to the other asian girls he’s matched with or ever talked to. i’m just hoping i don’t become a commodity, or a trend. i don’t want to be ephemeral like new york city. i want someone who can love me with a love that transcends time. i want to be loved for me, not for my race.